Get to know your inner child – part II
In a previous article, we looked at the concept of the 'inner child' and in particular the Adapted Child - equilibri.pl/en/get-to-know-your-inner-child .
In this part of the article I will introduce you two other attitudes of our inner child - the Rebellious Child and the Free Child.
Rebellious Child
Each of us has probably felt once like a rebellious child who, without much thought, says 'no' to everything. Child that is in constant opposition to everyone and everything. It is difficult to talk or negotiate with someone who is in such a state. In a relationship, the rebel's attitude leads him to exclusion and lack of understanding. Often it is the rebel himself who turns his back on us thus severing any contact. Well, yes, but why does he/ she do it? It is not very helpful.
Why is there so much anger and rebellion in the Rebellious Child?
The Rebellious Child's belligerent attitude stems from a sense of mistrust in others. The Rebellious Child did not have an easy childhood. He felt unnoticed by caregivers (or in contrast, was overwhelmed by care) and experienced little emotional security in relationships. Often the only way to get through difficult times at home was to rise above it and do something in opposition to caregivers (to school, to parents, to authority figures). Rebellious children cry out for help in this way. Saying 'no' is a power that the rebel uses as a weapon against being hurt, giving him a sense of agency.
Unfortunately, in adult life, being a constant rebel doesn't work. In addition to the high energy expenditure put into criticism, sarcasm or coldness, the inner rebel has trouble building relationships. He finds it difficult to give positive messages, both to others and to himself. This is because the main goal here is to provide a safe distance from others by feeling one's own power to say 'no.'
Rebels who learn to be assertive rather than aggressive (or passive-aggressive) have a chance to contribute much good to the group. This is because they are masters of critical thinking and can be very creative if given the opportunity. They just need to feel safe and accepted with others.
Free Child
Who among us hasn't dreamed of being free as a bird? To live in harmony and joy with ourselves? Free Children are simply happy. When we feel like a Free Child there is a lot of spontaneity, autonomy and creativity in us. The Free Child state is easy to experience when we do something we enjoy. We don't have to make a special effort to feel joy in the moment. When we are in the Free Child state, relationships recede into the background. However, it is our Free Child that is falling in love when it meets another Free Child.
The Free Child state is a beautiful yet rare emotional state for many of us. Why is this so?
Where has my Free Child gone?
Children are at ease and are happy when they feel safe and taken care of. It seems so little, but when we are talking about emotional care it is a demanding parental effort. To invite more of your Free Child into your daily life you need to give yourself more support and permission. Again, the topic seems so simple, but how difficult in the same time..., because after all, 'I have so many responsibilities and there is so much to do that I lack time for myself. And my agreement of having a difficult day would mean agreeement to weakness....' Free Children laugh, but they can also cry and get angry appropriate to the situation. To consent to our own emotions is to consent to experiencing our Free Child.
Hence, it seems to me that the art of living and experiencing our emotions is the balance of being in different emotional states and inviting the inner child in all its forms into our daily life: adapted, rebellious and free. And once we invite our inner child we can open up to it and learn to love it as it is, because after all, that's what a child needs - it needs to be loved.
Elżbieta Chodyniecka
Certified Psychotherapist
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